How to Set Strong, Clear Boundaries &Move from Trauma to Transformation
Possessing a strong sense of self and having clear, strong boundaries go hand in hand, but how are we to develop the former when we lacked clear, balanced, and empowering structures as we were growing up?
Oftentimes, the identities given to us as children by adult figures in our lives can stick throughout our entire lives. During these formative years, our energies are tender, porous, and impressionable. What we are told about who we are can shape our self-regard when we grow into adulthood.
When your sense of self is still developing as a child - and you have yet to set clear boundaries between what you know clearly is YOU and what are the opinions of others -, it is all too easy to get caught up and swept away by projections that have nothing to do with who you truly are as a divine soul.
In this article, I relate my personal experience of grappling with healthy & unhealthy boundaries, and share what I've learnt along the way.
Read on for clear tips and strategies to develop a healthy sense of self and, by extension, establish strong boundaries that work for you.
My Personal Catalyst
In the midst of my travels around Mexico back in 2022 - where I experienced many amazing adventures and beautiful encounters -, I faced a significant challenge that ignited a journey of profound personal growth.
In an unfortunate series of events, one month into our time in Mexico city, I had my bag stolen when my husband and I arrived at our new residence where we were to stay for the next few weeks,
This experience left me feeling violated and devastated.
Though the homeless man who'd committed this theft was apprehended by helpful police in our neighbourhood, he had already sold my bag and its contents in exchange for drugs. And with no hard evidence, the police had to let him go.
My laptop and back up drives that contained precious documents and photographs dear to me were now lost forever. My scheduler and journal, both of which I had painstakingly crafted from scratch, were also gone.
But worst of all was the shame, blame and judgment I layered on myself for being careless and negligent. This incident triggered massive post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from my childhood, and I found myself wide awake at night running through memories and scenarios from past and present.
Because I was a highly sensitive child who found it difficult to cope with the turbulent energies in my family of origin, I'd often checked out and dissociated from my surroundings. I would often lose my purse as a result, and incur the wrath of my parents.
I grew up believing that I was “careless,” “useless,” and “nothing but trouble.” These labels persisted through much of my life, and coloured how I saw myself. I then came to see the world through a lens of shame, low self-worth, and victimhood.
After having my bag stolen—containing irreplaceable items like my laptop and personal journals—I was confronted with deep-seated childhood memories of past traumas. This incident, while distressing, became a catalyst for re-evaluating my life and boundaries.
Resilience: The Magic of Your Imagination
Fortunately, human beings also possess an immense superpower that enables us to grow, evolve, and transform: our imagination. Your ability to create, first in your mind and heart, means you can re-shape the stories you were told when you were young.
What I have learnt is that devastating events which leave us shaken can be powerfully transformed into healing and inspiration. When the above incident happened, I reached out to my coach for support. The next evening, I had a powerful session that helped shift my perspective and see the event as a process of creative destruction.
This new insight enabled me to move stuck energy - resistance, contraction, avoidance - and surrender into the reality of what transpired. It also empowered me to hold space for my tender, hurting parts, and sit in my grief.
And even as I mourned the loss of my art work, I found myself reaching for the colouring pencils on my desk, and begin the simple process of adding colour to page. It brought me to a childlike space where I self-soothed all the old, wounded parts that had not been tended to.
I also gave myself permission to be vulnerable, and received an outpouring of support from my community. Their kind words and presence were instrumental in assisting me in my recovery from shame and self-blame.
The Power of Boundaries
Boundaries can be a loaded word, especially if you had had harsh restrictions imposed upon you at some point in your life.
For instance, if your freedom had been curtailed unfairly in some way, you may see boundaries as limiting and restrictive. You would rather be free and boundless, rather than face violence and constraint.
And as beings who seek connection with others, having to assert our boundaries can seem unfriendly, even threatening, to our social well-being.
Have you ever, for example, felt discomfort well up when you had to say 'No' to a loved one?
As little children, we were likely conditioned to accept the parameters that the adults in our lives gave us. From a young age, in order to survive, we learnt what was acceptable and what was not, according to social dictates, and started to filter ourselves.
However, if we are to operate meaningfully in the world as social beings, it is absolutely essential for us to clarify what our boundaries are, and stand strongly in them. Otherwise, we will be unable to fully express and become all that we truly are.
THIS is our life’s journey: to spiral deeper and deeper into our authentic selves - to embody and live our lives from a space of wholeness. Holding strong structures for ourselves as we navigate the relationships we have in our lives is an important negotiation to make, and this is where healthy boundaries come in.
Defining Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are crucial for personal growth and authenticity because they offer both freedom and structure. They act as the architecture for your soul, defining what you allow into your life and what you filter out. By providing a framework based on your values and beliefs, boundaries give you a beautiful container to grow and evolve.
They are also completely yours to create and construct, based on your values, beliefs, and life experiences. There is something liberating in the act of consciously choosing the framework you desire for your life.
When I realised the connection between true freedom and boundaries, I began to interrogate all the toxic boundaries that had been imposed on me. I learnt to unravel the old stories and release them, then construct my own.
Next, I reflected deeply on my core values, which I continue to refine as I grow and evolve. Because, Yes, your boundaries will expand as you grow. They need not be static and rigid. I also learnt from others, and observed what worked for them. I took inspiration everywhere - books, movies, travels, and daily personal experience.
INSERT IMAGE OF CASTLES
Constructing Healthy Boundaries
As a child, I had often been told that I was 'too imaginative,' and was admonished to 'grow up' and be more practical. This was a judgment and a limitation imposed upon me, one that I accepted for years because I didn't realise it was simply one story.
Today, I choose a different story and reclaim my creative powers.
I take poetic inspiration from Henry David Thoreau, who wrote: “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”
Inspired by Thoreau’s idea of building foundations under your dreams, I began to view my boundaries as a majestic castle—strong, protective, and empowering. With the boundaries I now have, I feel strong, confident, and powerful. I feel truly boundless.
Take a moment and visualise what your healthy boundaries look like.... GIVE EXAMPLES
Remeber, we each have a unique superpower - the power of your IMAGINATION - to help shape and create the architecture of your desires.
"By tapping into our creativity, we get to access transformational growth and healing."
Creating A Sacred Vision Altar Board for Your Healthy Boundaries
Since boundaries can seem like an abstract concept, we can put this idea into a more tangible form by creating a Sacred Vision Altar Board. This visual representation helps to clarify and visualize your desires, and focuses your intention so you can bring them into reality.
By putting your intention and attention on your desired reality, you get to call it into your life with focus:
Where attention goes, energy flows!
Your Sacred Vision Altar Board can be whatever is authentic to you: do up a collage with magazines, use personal photographs, print out pictures you find online, paint on a poster board, use regular paper - anything you want!
Use materials that resonate with you—collages, photos, paintings, or drawings.
Here’s a peek of the Vision Altar Board I created. It has my name on it, and contains images of some of my favourite things.
Go here to access a FREE workshop where I cover the basic keys to create your very own Sacred Vision Altar Board!
INSERT LINK
CAN YOU MAKE THE IMAGE OF THE BOARD BIGGER?
Boundaries: Empowering Agreements for Yourself
Boundaries can also be understood as agreements you make for yourself: What do you say Yes and No to?
Understanding Agreements
As Don Miguel Ruiz highlights, “everything we do is based on agreements we have made, but the most important are the ones we make with ourselves.” These agreements should empower and affirm us. However, early life experiences and societal influences may lead to limiting beliefs.
Redefining Narratives
By choosing to view life as a canvas, we can design our own boundaries and rules. As Don Miguel Ruiz puts it, “Life is nothing but a dream, and if we are artists, then we can create our life with Love.” We are the artists of our own lives, crafting our path and codes of conduct to reflect our true selves.
⚖️ The Role of Relationships 🤝
Balancing Self and Others
The concept of relationship deeply involves our connection with ourselves. Astrologically, Libra (which rules partnerships) and its opposite sign Aries (focused on self) highlight the importance of balance. Women, who are naturally inclined to be relational, might find themselves compromising their boundaries to please others.
Healthy Boundaries in Practice
Healthy boundaries are not about being combative but about respecting your relationship with yourself. When you say ‘No,’ it should be a firm and honest decision, just as you would respect others’ refusals.
📖 Embracing the 'Imaginal Realm'✨
Henry Corbin, a French philosopher and Sufi mystic, introduced the concept of the “imaginal realm,” a visionary dimension that is real and transformative. This realm transcends the duality of ‘matter’ and ‘spirit,’ suggesting they are intertwined rather than opposed.
To establish boundaries that align with our core values, harnessing our imagination is crucial. Imagination isn’t just a whimsical concept; it’s a powerful tool for creating the boundaries, relationships, and life we desire. Embrace the magic of imagination as a creative and liberating force.
🧠 Somatic Intelligence and Boundaries 💫
Our somatic intelligence is vital for understanding and maintaining boundaries. Our bodies often signal when boundaries are being tested or violated. Many people disconnect from their physical sensations, prioritizing mental capabilities over bodily awareness.
Realizing the importance of listening to my body was transformative. By developing somatic fluency, I learned to interpret my body’s signals, enabling me to establish and uphold clear boundaries. Understanding this wisdom allows us to address our needs and assert our values effectively.
🌌 Cosmic Influences and Personal Well-being 🔭
As a practicing astrologer, I view charting astrological phenomena much like weather forecasting. Understanding astrological events equips us to navigate our lives more effectively. With current erratic weather patterns reflecting broader climate changes, it’s increasingly important to be aware of astrological conditions.
Tracking astronomical events—like solar flares and changes in the Schumann frequency, Earth's “heartbeat”—can provide insights into how these cosmic factors affect us. Our physical bodies respond to the radiation and energetic shifts our planet experiences.
🌱 Self-Care and Healing 🛌
If you’ve been feeling under the weather, know there’s a reason for it and take extra care. Pay attention to your diet, sleep patterns, and gentle movement. Spending time in Nature and aligning with her natural rhythms can support your physical well-being.For those feeling well, congratulations on maintaining your self-care! Use this as a reminder to stay on track. Our bodies are incredible and capable of healing if we let them. Remember to get plenty of sleep, enjoy nourishing meals, and cherish your amazing, soft, animal body.
"The body is really a vessel towards our own healing."
Reflecting on my journey, I realize the importance of practicing what I preach. Despite my enthusiasm for multiple projects, I neglected my physical well-being. This ‘ill-timed illness’ forced me to slow down, realign with my True North, and listen to my body’s needs.
As a final thought, here’s a poem about the wisdom of snails:
"Little snail,
Dreaming you go.
Weather and rose
Is all you know.
Weather and rose
Is all you see,
Drinking
The dewdrop’s
Mystery."
May this story of my healing journey ignite a spark within you to honor your boundaries and unlock the profound wisdom that resides deep within.
Now that you understand how quantum healing works, it's time to consider your next action steps!
1. Go here to read more about the energy work I offer, and learn about the importance of energy medicine for your health and well-being.
If you are ready to commit to your healing, and desire to embody your radiant, authentic Light, book a session now to experience a Reiki session with me!
2. If you'd like to gather in circle with heart-centered women to amplify your healing intentions, check out the monthly Ceremonial Sacred Circles I offer here.
What my Reiki clients have to say:
Recently, I have been recognising that I am energetically sensitive to negative energy, and wanted some support around this. Also, I found that my confidence and self belief were shaken, a problem which stemmed from childhood trauma, and I'd been feeling isolated and alone. I had previously cleared some blockages in my chakras with a Tantra healer, but I still struggled with trust issues.
After just one session with Irene, my anxiety was gone, and I felt very calm and relaxed afterward. During the Reiki treatment, I had a vision of looking at myself in the mirror. I had always been very critical of my body, but in this vision, I felt self-love when I saw my reflection, which is new and interesting for me. It feels like the start of a loving relationship with myself.
Towards the end of my treatment, the base of my spine tingled with warmth, and heat radiated from it. As I came out of the session, I felt my spine align and my neck straighten, and received a golden energy in my heart - a message of self-love that I am awakening to.
Irene is a natural at what she does; it is rare for me to feel a sense of trust, which is essential to be in a receptive state, and her presence enabled me to open up. I am deeply appreciative of how her healing has helped me so much, and I look forward to more sessions with Irene.
- R Huze, Engineer, USA
As an energy healer myself, I value receiving support, because I know it's easy to get enmeshed in my own issues. It's also helpful to receive feedback from someone who is energetically sensitive and can pick up on nuances in my field. Prior to the session, I had a migraine, with many thoughts spinning in my head. I wanted to feel calmer, safer, more centered and grounded. Irene did a great job of patiently checking in with me, asking questions and listening so she could create an intentional healing field.
All my life, I have been dealing with chronic illness, and I had been sickly since young. I also had my share of trauma growing up, and have spent many years processing imbalances and trapped emotions. What I appreciate about Irene's treatment is the sweet, gentle energy from her Reiki healing. There was light, silvery energy flowing into several areas of my body, especially my upper chest.
The day after our session, I continued to feel a tangible improvement in my wellbeing: my heart was open and calm, in a way that I was not able to access by myself previously. I am noticing that some things that were bothering me have shifted, and my mental chatter has slowed. Thank you Irene, for sending me clean, quality Reiki!
- W. Bray, Energy Healer, United States of America
Because of my country's political situation and some of the painful situations I had experienced, I found my mental health suffering. I started isolating myself, not wanting to meet people because being out in social situations was triggering. I found it traumatising to be around people but I had to do so for work, so I decided to reach out and receive some support from Irene. During the session, I felt a pleasant warmth and an enjoyable sensation of heat when Irene sent Reiki. I had had a lot on my mind prior to this, but after the session, I found that my nervousness and anxiety had eased. Though some sadness had come up during the treatment, I received support around releasing that, and felt much more calm and peaceful after the session.
- Khin Cho Cho Win, Marketing Manager, Myanmar
“The question is not how to get cured, but how to live.”
― Joseph Conrad
